From the Tucker Max website: What do you do when you've become rich and famous for writing a #1 best-selling book about your drunken, sexual. Tucker Max and Nils Parker. Based on the book by Tucker Max. Tucker Max. Wilshire Dr # LA, CA [email protected] The Cancun Stories. Why to learn CPR. Boot and rally. Give me two pair, I need two pair. Welcome to the Thunderdome. How Tucker Max became “Tucker Max”.

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Not as good on "dating" as Models, but a very useful book on "Being a better guy. " The psychology on understanding women's POV in dating was. Sloppy Seconds: The Tucker Max Leftovers - Free ebook download as PDF File . pdf), Text File .txt) or read book online for free. Tucker Max's books-I Hope. Tucker Max Testosterone e Book - Free download as PDF File .pdf), Text File . txt) or read online for free. cunt.

Tucker Holy shit! The volumes only at 6! It goes up to 10! Credit Everyone is going to hate us. Hate Max, you arent really taking that thing to Campout are you? Tucker [into the bullhorn] We are friends and roommates,.

I feel like you dont know me at all. I turned it down to 2 loud but still a manageable indoor volumeand spoke to everyone exclusively through the bullhorn for the next week. It became a part of me, a natural extension of my arm. I put it down only to shower and masturbate.

You know how when you pine after something really badly, like a cool toy or a new car or whatever, once you get it, its never as good as you imagined it would be? This was the opposite. This was so much better than I couldve ever dreamed. No possession of mine, before or since, has ever completed me the way that bullhorn did; it embodied all of the characteristics that I consider most essential to myself.

I was pretty good at debating with people before, but now, I had a permanent trump card. How can you win an argument against someone who is louder than a chain saw? Even if youre completely right, youre wrong, because I have the bullhorn. Everything you say becomes one level more humorous through a bullhorn. Stupid becomes passable, passable becomes funny, funny becomes hysterical, and hysterical becomes Dave Chappelle doing Rick James.

I think this is because a bullhorn makes you so loud that it puts you on an imaginary stage. Just being the center of attention primes people to think youre funnyhow else does Dane Cook get laughs?

I was not lacking in condence beforehand, but add a bullhorn and I became superhuman. It was like having a gun, except better. Walking around with a bullhorn gives all the authority of a gun, without any of the toolishness or danger of it accidentally discharging in your sweatpants.

People just assume youre in charge and defer to you. It was as if one internet download had suddenly made all things right in the world. Maybe the Duke nerds are right. Maybe this will be the premier social event of the year. As we pulled in and started to get situatedwhich for us entailed setting down the cooler and sitting around it drinkingI pondered my tactics:.

Alright fellas, what should my bullhorn strategy be? Tucker Hate Break it. Or set it on re. Anything that will get that fucking thing out of your hand. GoldenBoy Arent you just gonna get drunk, yell at people, and not worry about consequences? Do you know any other way to act? Tucker There is wisdom in your words. At 7pm they blew the whistles for the rst check-in. The Head Campout Nerd was giving instructions with one of those tiny little megaphones you can download at Home Depot.

He saw me and came over all excited, like we were friends: Nerd You have a bullhorn! I have one too! I immediately saw this encounter for what it was: In the most condescending tone possible I said: Tucker Arent you the cutest! And look at the toy Santa. You must have been a good boy this year! The dude visibly deated. Here he was, hoping for a Bullhorn Buddy, and instead he got, well. He was about to say something, but I put my bullhorn right in his face and hit the siren trigger:. This thing is made for riot control!

I run Campout now, bitch! The dude sulked off like the old lion that gets his ass handed to him by the younger lion and wont be seeing any more lion pussy. It was awesome. Only minutes into the start of Campout and I had savaged the only challenger to my authority! GoldenBoy Rick Flair quotes? I know were in North Carolina, but come on.

SlingBlade Tucker is so proud of himself. He just bested a pimply, insecure pound public policy student. Next up, Romper Room Smackdown. The testosterone rush of my victory on top of the beer Id already drunkput me into what could be called an aggressive state. Conversely, I was surrounded by the type of passive, fearful people whod chosen to stay in school to avoid the conict and consequences of real life. This meant I had in front of me a weekend where I could say or do anything I wanted, without worrying about anyone being able to talk over me.

This must be what narcissist heaven is like. Beer in one hand and bullhorn in the other, I began my symphony of awesome, starting off by verbally assaulting random passersby: You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note. Chunkygirl What? SlingBlade, who at this point was warming up to the idea of the bullhorn, took it from me and piled on:. Clearly she has mad cow disease.

Chunkygirl Fuck you! Tucker Youre right! Soccer is a game invented by European ladies to pass the time while their husbands cooked dinner.

Go practice your throw-ins, you cheeseeating surrender monkey! GoldenBoy You just seamlessly stole a King of the Hill quote and a Simpsons quote to form one insult. Ive never been this impressed by plagiarism. Tucker Im awesome even when I steal. Many beers later, I saw what looked like a hot girl far over on the other part of the parking lot. Tucker Man, look at her! Jojo and Credit looked over, and immediately started laughing at me.

A lot. Tucker What? Shes hot! As she walked closer, it became very evident she. Tucker Come on, he has waif legs and those tight skinny jeans and long hairhow was I supposed to know it was a douche Marxist and not a girl? Credit He has a beard, Tucker.

Tucker Does he? Shit, maybe Im drunker than I thought I was. Jojo Yeah, thats it. Everyone had a great time laughing at my expense. To this day, Jojo brings this up approximately once a month. Hes like a woman; he never forgets anything.

Tooling on idiots is fun, but I still have a penis, and it still demands its pounding of esh, so we decided to see what good-looking or at least willinggirls we could nd at the premier graduate and professional student social event of the year. Dealing with grad school girls can be tricky. At Duke there were four distinct types: Of all the types of women, I like sluts the best.

Mainly because they are the most receptive to me putting my penis in their vagina. A group of cute girls who looked like they might be game walked by. They looked at me suspiciously, as they should. Most of the time I dont know whats going to come out of my mouth, and sometimes, well.

Ive found the best thing to do when you stumble is to pretend that nothing happened and just drive forward. And we will share it with you! They laughed a little but didnt come over. I decided to go for the high-risk play. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tucker Look,.

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If youre into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to nd me very attractive. SlingBlade [grabbing the bullhorn] Dont talk to this man. He has herpes simplex A, B and C. This was a public service announcement brought to you by SlingBlade.

The fact that this exchange not only made them laugh out loud, but also got them to come hang out with us, should be all the info you need to know which grad school group they fell into.

But there was a bonus: They were in nursing school. We hit the slut jackpot! Slutty nurses not only want to fuck you, they want to take care of you too. They do you, then they do your laundry. Thisll be better than Shark Week! We talked for a while without the bullhorn , when, just making conversation, I asked one girl about her favorite movie. Tucker Oh no. SlingBlade Did we ever establish why Lane Meyer couldnt be bothered to pay the paperboy?

Why he tortured him for the entire movie, without any reason? Girl That was funny. Gimme my two dollars!

I liked that. SlingBlade So you think thats cool, to take goods and services from people and not compensate them? Two dollars is a meal! Thats two double cheeseburgers off the McDonalds dollar menu, which can be the only source of protein for those of us whose parents abandon all nancial responsibility for their children at age Girl Umm.

Its just a movie. SlingBlade Whatever. Youre clearly a selsh whore who would run over a puppy for a guy who shows the mildest interest. Im sure you and Tucker will get along swimmingly. The best part about hanging out with SlingBlade is he makes me look nice by comparison. I couldnt gure out what it meant. She wouldnt tell me. This annoyed the fuck out of me, because I am smarter than she is. Nurse Well, if youre so smart, you should be able to gure it out.

She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her selfesteem, sleep with her, and steal the shirt. I use a basic and well-worn tactic: I subtly disapprove of her for various reasons, so that shell be forced to seek my validation. By sleeping with me.

You know, the classy and mature way to get women. One particular exchange I remember: Girl Im not a slut! Tucker I mean, I want to believe you, you seem like a really nice girl, but. Girl They did not! What guys? Tucker I dont know, they left already. Tucker Well, lets try a little test. Now, you know everyone has their price, so how about this: Would you sleep with a guy for, lets say, million dollars?

Girl Well, I mean, I dont know. I guess. Tucker OK. Would you sleep with a guy for 10 million dollars? Girl I dont know, maybe. Would you sleep with a guy for 10 dollars? Girl No, of course not. Tucker Why not? Girl Are you kidding? Im not doing that. Tucker Weve already established that youd sleep with a guy for money, now were just haggling over the price. I guess she doesnt have to learn history to be a nurse, because she thought my little Winston Churchill impression was funny and original.

It went on like this for another several hours, me playfully disapproving, her seeking approval, until we snuck off to the back of my SUV and I gave her my full endorsement. It was about 2am by the time we were done. After we nished, we both wanted to get back up and start drinking more.

Plus, I think she was disappointed in my performance. That, or the fact I had been drinking, sweating, and blasting out meat farts all night made me smell like a Pakistani cabdriver. It had been pouring rain for over ve hours, everything was soaked, and people were starting to go to bed. Which SlingBlade and I decided meant a prime opportunity to fuck with people. But before I get into that, let me digress for a second to set the scene. The most important thing you have to know about Campout is that its not the same for everyone.

There are two places to be: You can rent an RV or U-Haul, park it in the parking lot, and sleep in that, or you can pitch. Even though the parking lot and eld are only yards apart, they are very different worlds. RVs are nice; they have toilets, electricity, TVs, refrigeration, bedsall the comforts of modern life. Tents suck. They are nothing but walls made of thin fabric.

You essentially sleep on the ground. Given the choice, most people would take the RV. But it takes money to rent an RV for a weekend, and the vast majority of grad students are broke. Therefore, a divide develops naturally between the haves and the havenots.

The law students, business school students, and med students tend to be the ones with some excess money, so they rent the RVs and get to sleep in relative luxury in a nice clean parking lot. Pretty much every other grad school studentfrom political science to divinity school to environmental sciencesis stuck pitching a tent in the eld below. If its a normal September weekend in North Carolina, this is not really that bad an arrangement. But this weekend it had been raining for days leading up to Campout, including that Friday.

This meant the eld the poor grad students were camping out in was completely soaked quite literally a quagmire. It was like a huge mud-wrestling pit, except lled with loser nerds instead of bikini girls. Which brings us back to the story: SlingBlade and I had, up until this point, spent all of Campout drinking and hanging out in the parking lot. We hadnt paid any attention to Tent City. That was about to change. This was the moment I had been waiting for all week.

I was Tucker Maximus: And I would have my vengeance, in this life, right now. Tent City! Behold, you live in lth! Your refugee camp for poor nerds is a cesspool of poverty and excrement!

You are dirtier than the abandoned children of Bowery whores! Tent City, do you realize how bad you smell? You are swimming in urine and feces.

And for what? Crappy tickets to watch a shitty basketball team? You are a Christian Childrens Fund commercial! Tucker One of them yelled out, Shut up! Tucker Tent. City, query: Was it really worth it? Four or ve other law student friends came to join in. These werent even my real friends, who were all asleep or being mature. These were just guys who knew an awesome idea when they saw one, and they stood around drinking with us and laughing while SlingBlade and I continued to fuck with Tent City.

City, you are sleeping in mud and excrement. Dont believe me? I just pissed on this hill. Do you know what gravity is? Ask the physics grad students, theyre down there with you because studying the underlying mysteries of the universe doesnt pay for shit!!

I am a conquerer! Eventually some of the nerds had had enough and started congregating at the base of the hill. At its top, the hill is about 15 feet high and a good 15 30 yards from the people at the bottom. It was far enough away that you could see the people and interact with them, but not so close that you were near them in any physical sense.

RandomNerd What gives you the right to keep us awake? Tucker Because I have a bullhorn and you. Your fancy book learnin shouldve taught you that the strong do what they want, and the weak endure what they must.

Now bring me your nest meats and cheeses, and be quick about it! There were about six of them, and they all kept yammering at me. It was hilarious. They kept jabbering at an even louder volume, and this one dude in particular was fuming. He kinda stepped forward wildly gesticulating at me.

Tucker I want to keep doing this to see how long you will argue with a man who can speak times louder than you. I bet you are sociology grad students; only an overdeveloped sense of justice can create this kind of indignation.

Three of them, including the supermad dude, were soc grad students! And of course, this just made him madder. There is nothing funnier than a disproportionate display of inappropriate and overwrought anger. You know, when someone really fucking loses their cool and completely explodes over something small? To me, that is the height of comedy, and I was determined to make this dude ip his shit.

Tucker Oh, this is just awesome. Dene poststructuralist for me. He actually started to dene it! Like an idiot I laughed instead of letting him nish, and he immediately realized the joke was on him. Fortunately, all of us laughing at him must have taken him to his breaking point, because he walked a few steps up the hill and, shaking with anger, busted out this unforgettable quote: SociologyNerd Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain!

Friedrich von Schiller! Did you just quote a Ger-. Youre standing in mud and piss at 2am, and you just quoted a German philosopher at me? SlingBlade I think hes calling you out. Tucker OK, I can play this game. Stop ya cryin heifer, I dont need all dat! SociologyNerd Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. I can quote rap lyrics until the sun comes up. But instead, I opted to come over the top and play the nerd trump card on him: Lets settle this once and for all.

Ill give you the chance to save Tent City. Throw something I swear on my bullhorn. The Sociology Nerd paused, thought about it, got a look of unbridled hatred on his face, adjusted his glasses, and stormed off in a huff.

Tucker You can run away to your burlap sack, but it wont save you from my bullhorn! I am the ruler of Tent City! All of the nerds got mad, but their anger never went beyond passiveaggressive complaining. People came and went, some people tried to yell over us, some tried pleading, some tried reasoning, and some just threw things all like girls.

By about 3am, wed woken up and pissed off enough people that something resembling a mob had assembled. One tool in particular was fed up. Tool If we come up there, youre through! Unlike this bald-headed tool, I knew my Greek history, so I said the same thing to him that the Spartans said to Philip of Macedon when he sent them a message saying, If I enter Laconia, I will level Sparta to the ground.

Tucker If. Its frustrating when you make a smart joke, and even a nerd doesnt get it. OK, ne, lets see if he can detect condescension:.

That did it. Four of them got up their courage and ran up the hill. I know the one dude had just threatened me, but in the moment, it honestly didnt even occur to me that they would try to get physical.

Book: Hilarity Ensues

These grad students had taken our relentless mocking for hours because they were pussies. I mean, pussies are pussiesits not just a word.

When they got to the top of the hill, they saw all my friends behind us that they couldnt see from down below, and they kinda stopped and milled around for a second, unsure of what to do. You know that scene in Braveheart where the two guys pretend to be lost so they can get the English to chase them, and the English take the bait, only to run into a huge group of Scots over the hill, and they become the prey?

It was like that. Except with nerds. Seeing their body language completely change, I gured this out. Tucker Wait. The embarrassed silence was all the conrmation I needed. Oh my God, thats so precious! I fucking lit them up: They milled around for a second more, then walked back down the hill. I dont know if Ive ever felt more like a real warrior in my life. This must be like what Alexander the Great or Genghis Khan felt like!

SlingBlade Jesus Christ, you are delusional. Tucker To be the man, you gotta beat the man!

I proclaimed sovereignty over Tent City for another ten minutes in various different ways, and after vowing to return the next day to continue my rule, we went to bed. After twelve hours of dedicated drinking, wed nally hit our wall. The Next Day We didnt wake up until around 2pm.

Once we beat back our hangovers with a 12 pack, SlingBlade came upon this one RV with an awesome spread of foodnot just cheap hot dogs and sausages, they had gourmet shit. Judging by the quality and quantity, they were those rare type of grad students who actually had real money of their own, not just government loans.

This can mean only one thing: In order to go to business school, you have to have worked for a few years and been good at it, so most of them have money saved. As a result, they not only have cooler stuff than the rest of us, they think they are bettern everyone. I decide to x that for them. I moseyed over, grabbed one of their bottles of wine, and started chugging it.

A girl gasped out loud. Tucker Well,. The entire group looked at me like I had just dropped a steamer in their shrimp platter, except one girl who laughed, so I talked to her. FunGirl So youre the bullhorn guys? I heard them planning your demise this morning in Tent City.

Tucker I will crush their puny rebellion. Blood alone. As I housed their food and hit on the cute girl, SlingBlade tried to run interference before our inevitable eviction, but one bitchy girl was quite persistent: BitchyGirl Your friend brought a bullhorn to Campout? I mean, who does he think he is? SlingBlade You must be lucky enough to not have met Tucker. BitchyGirl Why is he drinking our wine? And eating my pt? Also, I believe that he is out of beer. I think the fact that I was irting with her friend actually pissed her off more than me drinking the wine and eating her goose liver.

She was the type who would cockblock endangered pandas at the zoo. BitchyGirl Can I ask you a question? Tucker If you wonder whether. BitchyGirl Uhh. Tucker Daddy drinks because otherwise he cant. BitchyGirl UGH! I could not nd you more unattractive. Youre slurring your speech, you have a shirt on that is two sizes too small, is covered in mustard stains and says FRONT LOADER on it, you reek of cheap beer and sex, and you clearly have a drinking problem.

Tucker Drinking is a problem only if youre not good. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it. BitchyGirl You disgust me. Tucker I will not apologize. At some point we found ourselves at the Porta Potties. SlingBlade went into one, but I had to wait because the other was occupied. He came out laughing. SlingBlade I just dropped a deuce that could sink the Titanic.

What is wrong with you? SlingBlade Alcohol has made me impervious to your attempts at shaming. The guy in my Porta Potty came out. As I opened the door to go in, I recoiled in terror. Tucker OHH! He started walking away, like everything was just ne and dandy. Tucker Hey you, come back here. Do you know what you just did in that bathroom? Guy Yeah. Tucker Come here and smell this.

Guy What? Thus is the power and authority of the bullhorn: The guy actually walked back to the Porta Potty and took a sniff. Guy Yeah, so? Tucker [angry astonishment] [air quotes] just went to. Yeah, so? That smell is not the bathroom. That is felonious assault on a toilet.

You have raped my olfactory senses. Guy OK, ne. Im sorry.

Had we not been drinking for 24 hours straight, and had I not conquered an entire city the night before, I dont think I would have tried this. But the bullhorn had emboldened me: Tucker Now. I am very sorry and greatly embarrassed that my excretory system could produce such a smell. I promise to eat more bran to prevent such things in the future. Guy Are you nuts? I was pretty much joking with the guy and fully expected him either to walk off or punch me in the face. There was no legitimate reason to obey me.

I was just some drunk idiot yelling at him with a bullhorn. After he left, I stood there in mild shock. Tucker Did I really just use the bullhorn to make a dude apologize. SlingBlade That thing is too powerful. Its like the One Ring that rules them all. After Campout, we have to nd a volcano and throw it in. Tucker Lets make Hate do it. He hates the bullhorn, plus hes short like a Hobbit.

SlingBlade Credit can go with him. Hes a Jew, like Gollum. We chilled the rest of the afternoon and evening, planning how we would fuck with Tent City again that night. But this time, the nerds had come prepared. They must have had spies watching us, because before we even got to the ridge to start our second assault on Tent City, they were standing there with a Duke cop. Still drunk on alcohol and the testosterone rush of the previous night, I decided to handle this the logical way, as I was Lord Tucker Max, Tent City Conqueror: Tucker Whats the problem, Ofcer?

DukeCop You need to stop using the bullhorn. DukeCop The proper response to a lawful order is not Why? Tucker But Ofcer, I dont think you understand, [I hold it in front of his face as if he hadnt seen it yet] I have a bullhorn.

You know that look a cop gives you when hes so confused that he doesnt even know how to respond? If you dont know that look, it means you havent had enough fun in your life. He gave me that look. DukeCop You have to stop using the bullhorn for the rest of Campout. Tucker Ofcer, I cant stop.

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It was at this point the cop realized I wasnt crazy or stupid, just really drunk. DukeCop Youre not in charge, youre not even on the Graduate Council. I am a law enforcement ofcer, and I am giving you a lawful command. You can obey it, or I can arrest you and conscate the bullhorn. I was not prepared for this gambit. I turned to SlingBlade: Tucker What do we do? SlingBlade Stop using the bullhorn. Tucker Isnt there some way around this?

SlingBlade I dont know. I dont take Criminal Procedure until next semester. But I dont think so. Tucker Does it matter that hes a campus cop and not a real cop? SlingBlade Were on Dukes campus. He also has a Taser. Taser beats bullhorn. Tucker Shit.

On Day 1, I subjugated all of Tent City. On Day 2, I was defeated by a single rent-a-cop. To fuck with me, SlingBlade took the bullhorn from me and addressed Tent City:. You are safe to go back to sleep. Tucker has been bested and the bullhorn problem is taken care of.

I repeat, the bullhorn problem has been taken care of. SlingBlade DukeCop Hey! That means you too. NO ONE gets to use it again. If I have to come back, youre all getting arrested. As I started to go back to my RV, head hung low in shame, I could faintly hear someone yell out from deep within Tent City: I guess the man got beat! Even ten years later, it still upsets me that my reign as conquerer lasted only a single night. I had so many people left to insult and piss off.

Its OK though, I got the last laugh.

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In the intervening years, my notoriety has made it so that all those people who were there, when they tell other people where they went to school, invariably have to answer this question, You went to Duke? Did you know Tucker Max? I may have lost the battle, but I won the war. In the movie based on my rst book, we wrote a scene where one of Tuckers friends tries to call him from jail after getting arrested. I thought it would be funny if the actor used my real phone number, so on set I had him replace the fake number with the prex you normally hear in movie phone numbers with my real phone number.

In the real movie. I guess it was funny. Who wouldve predicted so many people would call me if I put my real phone number in a movie? Well, pretty much everyone except me. It got so bad, I just said fuck it, gave in, and even secretly put it on the cover of my last book as well. Go look at the cover, youll see it if you have half a brain. Girls would sext me. A LOT of them. I dont know how many girls in America are into sexting, but I would guess that a large portion of them have tried to get me to respond to them at some point in the past two years.

At rst, all these girls annoyed the fuck out of me. Sexting is fucking stupid; its only appropriate for repressed teenagers or attention-starved cockteases, not for grown adults who have actual sex with other adults.

Look, either come over and actually fuck or stop bothering me. Then it dawned on me: Instead of letting all these faux-whores annoy me, I should ip it on them and do what I always do when dealing with idiots: I started responding to the sexters, and quickly realized I was in a unique position.

These girls were already into me, so I didnt have to waste any time warming them up. It was like the perfect storm of fucking-with-idiots comedy. These are some of the funniest exchanges I had with these girls, divided into categories. For the sake of brevity and your sanity, Ive edited these exchanges down to only the funny parts.

No one wants to read the boring parts of sexting; thats like listening to fantasy football stories. I also removed some of the most obnoxious misspellings, emoticons and abbreviations, e. Absurd If I happen to respond to a girls attempt at sexting with me, most of the time its because Im bored. In those cases more than any other, my responses are engineered solely to entertain myself. Her sexual gratication is so far down my list of priorities, that just typing those words out makes me laugh.

At all times, my rst, second, and third goal is to see how long I can get a girl to play along with the most ridiculous shit I can think up. I stand on the end of bed, naked, body glistening with sweat, grabbing my nuts in one hand and fist-pumping with other, screaming at the top of my lungs. Dear Lord, we give thanks for the sext were about to have. We pray that you will watch over and protect us as we masturbate to the sexy words on our phone. Fine with me I can just put my dick in a garbage can and stir it around a little bit and it would essentially be the same thing.

Sexting with Tucker Max: Mean This may come as a shock to some of you, but I have a slightly volatile personality. I dont suffer fools well. And when Im in a bad mood, I suffer stupid whores looking to sext even worse. Its not like I want to sext when Im in a good mood.

You really think its going to be sunshine and kittens when Im pissed off? The girls who persistently annoy me to sext with them nd out. I immediately take your whole cock in my mouth My head goes up and down on your dick, flicking my tongue over it, savoring every inch. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Mean 4: Whore OnStar This girl was supposed to drive from her town about two hours away to fuck me here in Austin, and this exchange starts about the time she was supposed to be getting on the road. It was impossiblelike trying to rattle a operator: What ase you doing? Happy Hour got to me and i wanna fCuk right now!

Im not immature, I just didnt think a few drinks owuld do this to me. You might as well try. I cant think any less of you than I do right now. It has to get better for you. No Im not! I sing country! Jesus Christ. Its because of women like you that in no language on earth does the phrase smart as a woman appear.

Take your steering wheel and yank it violently into the next concrete embankment you see. I called me grandparents and got the addy off the paper I left in my house. I do want you to do unforgiving things to me. And after you pass out, Ill leave you there, and let a bunch of dudes jack off on you, like a bukkake video. When you wake up, youll have so much dry cum on you youll think youve been baked into a pie. Fine, no gang rape, but when you wake up, you need to pick up all the dog shit people leave behind in the park.

Some people are so inconsiderate of others. Mean 5: Post Coital [this one picks up after Id already told her Id cum in sexting] now i want you to do something amazing to me. Mean 6: Thats Beef Curtains You reach down and rip my panties off. You want my pussy so bad you are rock hard. I spread open your labia in search of the clit.

It looks like I am opening a burnt grilled cheese sandwich. Mean 8: Im gunna put a baby in there. Like because Id written a book about fucking lots of women, all of the sudden I was some kind of connoisseur of imaginary exhibitionism.

I didnt understand this at rstnot only do you want to have fake sex, but you want to do it in a fake place NOT of your choosing?? Fools act foolish; thats what they do. You cant actually try to understand them; you just have to go with it. So I did, and they turned out to be some of the funnier exchanges.

Location, Location, Location 2: Playoff Ready ive been thinking about sexting with you all day. Look at the a retard mopping. Dont you think its nice that McDonalds hires the mentally handicapped? I mean, you are clearly too fat to reach your own asshole. Do you tie a rag on a stick? One of my best friends from college was a tiny little Muslim girl, Famina.

We couldnt have been more oppositeshe was sweet, compassionate, caring, conscientious, while I was, well, me. But despite these differences, we were super close all through college and no, we never hooked up, and yes, its possible to have platonic friendships especially when the girl refuses to hook up with you.

So when her wedding came along, of course she invited me, even though it was going to be a traditional Muslim wedding full of traditional Muslim people. That means six hours of no alcohol, no single girls who will have sex with me, and nothing but Indian food. Oh happy joy!! To make matters worse, the girl who I was supposed to bring as a date canceled on me ve hours before the ceremony.

Thats the problem with being a narcissist: Their world is so flat that they have no leaders, which is why revolutions from Occupy Wall Street to Tahrir Square have even less chance than previous rebellions.

They want constant approval--they post photos from the dressing room as they try on clothes. They have massive fear of missing out and have an acronym for everything including FOMO. They're celebrity obsessed but don't respectfully idolize celebrities from a distance. Thus Us magazine's "They're just like us! They're not into going to church, even though they believe in God, because they don't identify with big institutions; one-third of adults under 30, the highest percentage ever, are religiously unaffiliated.

They want new experiences, which are more important to them than material goods. They are cool and reserved and not all that passionate. They are informed but inactive: they hate Joseph Kony but aren't going to do anything about Joseph Kony. They are probusiness.

They're financially responsible; although student loans have hit record highs, they have less household and credit-card debt than any previous generation on record--which, admittedly, isn't that hard when you're living at home and using your parents' credit card. They love their phones but hate talking on them. They are not only the biggest generation we've ever known but maybe the last large birth grouping that will be easy to generalize about.

There are already microgenerations within the millennial group, launching as often as new iPhones, depending on whether you learned to type before Facebook, Twitter, iPads or Snapchat. Those rising microgenerations are all horrifying the ones right above them, who are their siblings. And the group after millennials is likely to be even more empowered.

They're already so comfortable in front of the camera that the average American 1-year-old has more images of himself than a 17th century French king. So, yes, we have all that data about narcissism and laziness and entitlement. But a generation's greatness isn't determined by data; it's determined by how they react to the challenges that befall them. And, just as important, by how we react to them.

Whether you think millennials are the new greatest generation of optimistic entrepreneurs or a group of 80 million people about to implode in a dwarf star of tears when their expectations are unmet depends largely on how you view change. Me, I choose to believe in the children. God knows they do. The original version of this article said that Jean Twenge is a professor at the University of San Diego.

Twenge is a professor at San Diego State University. All rights reserved. TIME may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website.They know what Im like.

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